Is Keir Starmer a Russian spy?

Sometimes it seems like the only plausible explanation for this omnibetrayal

Only an agent of the Kremlin would wear a helmet like that

I’m convinced: Keir Starmer is a Russian spy. It’s the only plausible explanation.

Today it emerged that the Government’s national security review is to expand the definition of “defence spending” to include broadband, Heathrow’s third runway, economic stability, food prices, supply chains and reducing crime.

This will allow Britain to hit Nato’s new defence spending target of five per cent of GDP without actually defending the country, ticking the box while leaving Britain just as vulnerable as it was before.

No prime minister with his country’s interests at heart would use such cynical sleight-of-hand in the service of undermining the defence of the realm.

Once you accept that Starmer is working for the Kremlin, everything begins to make sense. Let us count the ways. The huge public sector payouts, the unconscionable tax rises, the targeting of business and farmers and the destruction of the private school system seem explicitly designed to leave us impoverished, both economically and culturally.

The manner in which he has antagonised the United States by needlessly siding against Israel, even refusing to send our jets to contribute towards its defence while it fights our wars for us, has undermined the moral foundations of our foreign policy.

His supposed EU reset has shafted our fishermen, landed us with further obligations to European migrants and placed us once again under the jurisdiction of Continental courts with zero benefits to our country. In fact, we are paying huge sums for the privilege.

Speaking of which, the Chagos Islands betrayal, which has saddled us with a bill of more than £30 billion – enough to fund three new aircraft carriers or an entire nuclear weapons system – has damaged both our credibility and power projection overseas.

This week, we even learned that Spanish border guards were to be put in charge of Gibraltar, paving the way for the Government’s next act of national vandalism.

Starmer’s cancellation of the Conservatives’ Rwanda project to deter small boats, which was hardly perfect but a step in the right direction that was already making aspiring migrants think twice, has led to rocketing numbers arriving illegally on our shores, to be provided with a hotel room, mobile phone, healthcare and leisure activities.

The inexcusable policing of public speech and thought, which has seen 30 arrests a day for rudeness on social media, as well as 60 “non crime hate incidents”, has helped to further demoralise the nation and erode our sense of self.

How can he possibly have ignored demands to free Lucy Connolly, who is serving a sentence for a single ill-judged tweet that leaves rapists, terror funders and knife criminals in the shade?

And that’s before we even consider the child sex gangs debacle, which he attempted to shunt into the long grass for an unconscionably long period before finally buckling to pressure and begrudgingly announcing a national inquiry, which is exposing even more egregious behaviour by Labour.

The result of this omnibetrayal is to leave us economically, morally, strategically and spiritually defeated before Putin even fires a shot at our troops. Perhaps there is an alternative to my Starmerski theory. But I’m struggling to think of one.